I know that times are tough when you go back home for the holidays. You’ve got used to having your freedom and privacy during term time, and maybe even got used to having a bae that keeps the sexual frustration at bay. Maybe you’ve got used to being able to use that corn-on-the-cob shaped vibrator that you got “as a joke” Secret Santa gift, but the thin walls in your parents’ house mean that any buzzing will be extremely embarrassing. But don’t worry. The illustrious felix Sex team has you covered, and we want to make sure you’re kept sexually satisfied over the holidays.

Christmas tends to mean lots of food in the house, and that means plenty of excess fruit and veg that you can squirrel away to have your way with. Whether you’re a top or a bottom, a giver or a receiver, we’ve tested all the fruit and vegetables you might possibly want to use to scratch that itch, so you know what you’re doing.

Dildo edition | Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

Being presented with a carrot, parsnip, courgette, banana, and cucumber and told to go and have fun is always a strange way to start the week. Parsnips particularly, are a very unerotic vegetable, and I can’t say that I was immediately excited to stick it up inside myself, even if – luckily – it was a particularly fat one. But with an “Alexa, dim the lights in the bedroom to 50 percent”, the mood was set. Carrot I had high hopes for the carrot. Firm, solid and straight, a carrot is a pretty predictable makeshift dildo, and I think the one that people are likely to have tried before – I know I have. Maybe I should spend more money on heating, but the carrot started out pretty cold, which was definitely a mood killer. Lesson 1: warm your vegetables gently before use (I used a hot water bottle). The other problem was that carrots have a surprisingly strong, distinctive odour, and definitely leave some orange staining (preventable if you stick a condom on it). However, with all of this aside, a nice big carrot definitely gets the job done, and doesn’t suffer any damage in the process. Maybe don’t slip it back in the vegetable crisper, but you could definitely get away with eating it as a midnight snack.

Overall a predictable 3⁄5 Parsnip This seemed like it would be the disappointing younger brother to the carrot. Still firm, very wide at one end, narrow at the other - how would this possibly match up to the consistent girth of the carrot? But surprisingly, this one was a winner. The shape and wide base made it very easily maneuverable which definitely paid off in spades. Unfortunately, it has a distinctive smell that was off-putting, and you can’t snack on it after. There’s definitely a lot more to be explored in the realm of wonky parsnips (thanks, Jamie Oliver), and even the straighter, skinny ones seem like they could be put to good use as a butt plug. Clearly a good multipurpose vegetable.

Overall a surprisingly 3.5⁄5 Courgette Courgettes come in a variety of sizes and curvatures. I was presented with two of similar sizes: one curved, one straight. Fucking a courgette made me nervous – it doesn’t feel sturdy enough to withstand the action, although I was pleasantly surprised to find them perfectly intact once I was done with them. The straight courgette has no real advantages over the carrot (unless you like the sensation of flexing your pelvic floor muscles against something that gives), but the curvy courgette really outdid itself. If you get the angle right, that little courgette can hit that G-spot just the way God intended.

Overall a curvy 4⁄5 Banana Thanks to their use in sex ed classes, bananas have a relatively unsexy reputation. Thanks to Brexit, the EU will stop dictating the straightness of our bananas, which makes the whole thing overall positive, because a curvy banana is a gift from the Gods. They’re way easier to position than a courgette, and have a convenient handle for ease of use. But bananas are definitely a one time use only phallus. There’s definitely a risk of skin splitting if you’re enthusiastic, so if you want to eat it afterwards, pop a condom on it. It might be a bit mushy and warm, but that potassium makes it a perfect after-sex snack.

Overall remains a 4.5⁄5 Cucumber I went into this knowing that cucumbers are probably the most fetishised vegetable for fucking. Unless you’re a bit of a size queen, a whole cucumber is a bit unnecessary. But, there’s no denying that it is a very satisfying fruit to bang, and the size does make for an easy hands-free experience. A bit sturdier than a banana, without a strong smell, and a fruit (not a vegetable) that can be eaten for replenishing hydration afterwards – the cucumber lives up to the hype.

Overall a cool 4⁄5 Final thoughts If you’re really that desperate, just about any of these vegetables will get the job done. The carrot would have always been my go-to, but I was surprised by how much pleasure a well-chosen vegetable can deliver.

Fleshlight edition | tutti fruity and domtop360

Petras Gagilas

Galia We started off with one of the most intimidating-looking ones: the galia melon, all green and scaly, like a small innocent armadillo rolled up in a ball. After some encouragement, I stuck my penis in the hole we had carved out and after making some confused facial expressions passed the violated melon on to domtop360. The Galia was a bit rough. The seeds weren’t particularly soft to the touch but hey, they weren’t as sharp as we expected them to be either. We refrained from microwaving our sexual partners so they were refreshingly cool. Smell and taste were great.

Overall 1⁄5 Cantaloupe Definitely one of the more stunning melons. Green and rough on the outside, a lot like the galia, its inside can be a beautiful deep orange, which can make it very appetising. So after the unimpressive galia, we were a bit more excited to try this one. At least I was. Domtop360 did express concerns. I believe his exact words were, “I can see my dick bleeding”. We found that if you like it a bit rough the cantaloupe might be your kind of melon. Taste, smell and gooeyness were A-OK, but push too hard and it will get painful. Plus the seeds managed to get everywhere. Not foreskin friendly.

Overall 0/5 Honeydew Smoother looking and with a promising name we were also excited to taste this piece of fruit. Also the fact that it was bigger meant it would probably actually accommodate an erect penis a bit better. Upon inspection we found that the honeydew was firmer, but its seeds were also harder and sharper. Also there was something about the smell that was really off-putting. And it was super juicy (which was both good and bad but which ultimately meant we’d have to change the sheets).

Overall 2⁄5 Piel de Sapo Seeing this guy for the first time, the last thing that crosses your mind is, “that looks fuckable”. It looks like a weird pumpkin crossed with an american football. Domtop360 informed me that piel de sapo means skin of the toad – which was nice. On the plus side this at least looked long enough to accommodate a penis. And it certainly was. Let me tell you ladies and gents, this melon is quite the treat; firm yet soft and juicy, sweet, fragrant with seeds that didn’t get in the way. The piel de sapo was a delight and in fact allowed for some double penetration. Domtop360 even approved saying, “I don’t usually do threesomes but this is kinda hot”.

Overall 4 /5 Watermelon Out of all the melons, the watermelon was the one I was most excited about. Perhaps it was memories of summer that fueled my lust. Perhaps it was that sexy red interior. Either way the watermelon beckoned to me and I excitedly answered. Alas, the experience was underwhelming. Surprisingly hard and unwelcoming, the watermelon’s inside was not particularly pleasurable. A bit of thrusting was enough to make it crack, to domtop360’s delight: he took over and completed the watermelon cracking. Disappointing.

Overall 1⁄5 Final thoughts I’d be lying if I didn’t say all melons were salvaged after their cherry popping (though if we only had the piel de sapo to play with it wouldn’t have survived to tell the story – would fuck again). Moral of the story? If you’re thinking of introducing a third person into a relationship maybe start with a piece of fruit.