Vampire Academy

Director: Mark Waters

Writers: Richelle Mead, Daniel Waters

Starring: Zoey Deutch, Lucy Fry, Danilla Kozlovsky, Gabriel Byrne, Dominic Sherwood, Olga Kurylenko, Sarah Hyland, Joely Richardson

Runtime: 104 minutes

Certification: 12A

Rating: 1⁄5

As if the vampire world was not crowded enough as it is, we get another young-adult literary adaptation that makes the Twilight franchise look appealing. Thankfully, due to the poor box office performance of Vampire Academy, a film series here looks unlikely, although The Weinstein Company, known for their keen eye on distributing Oscar-bait films in time for awards seasons, inexplicably thought it was a good idea to have any part in this whatsoever. The only thing that works positively in the company’s favour, is the clever vampire-related trick they do with its logo at the beginning of the film. The fact that such a thing is possibly the only memorable highlight goes to show how very little there is to take away from this film.

First we are clumsily introduced to this entire new world in which this Vampire Academy exists. There are three kinds of supernatural creatures to know of: the Dhampirs, half-human, half-vampires, who act as guardians to vampires, the Morois, vampires who also have the ability to use magic (fire, water, earth, air), and then we get the Strigoi, who are the evil, red-eyed vampires. It takes a while to wrap your head around the universe, and the film is not particularly good at introducing these outlandish concepts to newcomers.

If you’re still not completely put off by this awful premise, the film offers plenty more to dislike. Rose (Zoey Deutch) is a Dhampir who is Princess Lissa’s (Lucy Fry), a Moroi, best friend. They are all supposed to attend this Vampire Academy to learn maths and science, whilst fearing Strigois can attack at any moment. But it appears the biggest threat is coming from within the school itself. There is bullying, back-stabbing, popularity contests win, etc. But ultimately what matters is the safety of Lissa, who is the last of her famous royal family.

What lacks here is consistency. The two female leads have energy, in particular Zoey Deutch, playing the over-confident protector, looking out for her best friend. But the plotting is always wonky, never quite knowing whether it wants to be a vampire tale, or a teenage high school comedy/drama. It shows every intention of being both, showing us the hardship of being supernatural teenagers, but it never quite nails one theme to be able to handle another completely different one.

Their powers are never clearly defined; everyone supposedly has these slick powers (vampires doing magic? great, now show us!) but the film is more interested in spending time with its weirdly choreographed fist-fights. These are rather embarrassing, given that we are now in the age of _The Raid, _not that a direct comparison is completely fair, but a certain level of quality is expected, one the film does not meet.

There is romance brewing of course, Rose with her trainer Dimitri (Danilla Kozlovsky) and Lissa with the dark, mysterious loner Christian (Dominic Sherwood). Danilla Kozlovsky’s performance is terrible to say the least, with his snooze-inducing, monotnous delivery of dialogue passing as something romantic. The way everything is forced between Rose and Dimitri is laughably bad. Things are better with what blossoms between Lissa and Christian, although even this subplot serves as an unwelcome distraction from what could potentially interest the audience.

Six novels exist in the Vampire Academy series. And given the way this film ends, those involved were clearly hoping for the next big hit series. And the closing shot does promise something more sinister and exciting. It’s a shame the first film did not make much of an impression. But who can blame the audience for not wanting to become a part of this increasingly tedious world in which none of the protagonists really develop into anyone particularly worth caring about.