They first meet on the set of Cleopatra, where the married Dick (Grant Bowler) tries to pass the married Liz (Lindsay Lohan) a flirty compliment based on her ravishing looks. But this instead backfires and the pair are off to a rocky start. She thinks he’s a snobby English man who looks down on all things American and female, he thinks she’s a young American bimbo who doesn’t know a thing about the acting process. But it would appear that opposites attract and soon they become an inseparable item. Their whirlwind affair becomes a worldwide sensation, with even the Vatican catching a whiff of their forbidden love affair and condemning their “erotic vagrancy” since they were both married.

Alcohol and addiciton also play a central role in the couple’s dynamic. The two of them love their drinks, and hardly a day goes by when they don’t pour themselves whiskey or vodka in large glasses that they proceed to down in one gulp. How Lifetime managed to produce such a bland, clunky dramatic portrayal of one of the most famous couples in the planet is atrociously appalling. The casting directors (yes, there were more than one getting paid to work on this department) must all have been possessed or on something when they decided to offer Lohan the part. Lohan is not as bad an actress as everyone may think she is, but that doesn’t mean she can handle the role of an acting legend. And it’s her performance at the heart of the film that completely falls to pieces. A lot of people were shocked when they heard the news of Lohan’s casting - and they were right to be. It looks as though she’s not even trying; she huffs and puffs through her dialogue as if reciting every word on her script without really understanding what is happening around her, and she doesn’t even come close to embodying Taylor. The make-up, hair and costume departments have all done wonders here, trying to replicate Taylor’s exact, iconic looks, but the woman wearing the dresses, the jewellery, the wigs, is simply not up for the challenge. One particularly memorable moment of unintentional hilarity is Lohan’s Taylor’s reaction to the news of Richard Burton’s sudden death. It’s so amateurish that this is the comedic highlight of the film. Lohan trying to somehow act out the role of Martha in Taylor’s most famous film Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is one hideously offensive tribute moment that more than taints the excellent film’s legacy. It feels as though Lohan is performing a half-hearted comedic sketch - a parody of Elizabeth Taylor which is supposed to be funny. Grant Bowler fares better in comparison, and it’s only him who walks away with some level of dignity intact. The volatile, alcoholic Burton is entertaining to watch at times, but even he can’t salvage this near 90-minute ordeal that sets out to do far more than what it can actually handle. The film attempts to squeeze in as many events as possible. First the meeting, all the way up to Richard Burton’s death; that’s around 20 years of content, a hefty number of events as the lovers went back and forth, went through two marriages, and a host of different lovers. Liz & Dick stretches itself too thin, and never explores the juicy drama any further than stating some vague facts about the characters hoping the audience will catch up on their lives through the many time jumps. It has a thing or two to say about the life of a celebrity; at the centre of the constant spotlight of the world’s attention, it’s difficult to lead a normal life, and privacy is a luxury you can’t afford. The paparazzi are relentless in their pursuit of their snaps, although Lohan struggles to show even a hint of anger or frustration at this which isn’t all that surprising given the long list of what the actress has not been able to do in the rest of the film. The presentation in a way that interchanges between moving forward with the main story, and one that finds us in a dimly-lit interview room where Taylor and Burton are interviewed in a bizarre, fictional afterlife-type setting as they look back on their history, is one that is confused and requires Lohan to speak more than necessary. They reflect on their actions, explain themselves, and it’s clear the point of such segments was to provide some sort of psychological insight into their behaviour and decisions. And yet this approach tediously slows down the film considerably, and it’s not as though what they have to share directly with the audience is anything ground-breaking. Here is something that will no doubt give you a good laugh, almost all of it stemming from Lohan’s god-awful portrayal of a two-time Oscar winner.

Rating: 2⁄5